i wonder if i can be shocked by anything anymore.

yesterday night's revelation was like a slap to my face. i asked God for a clear mind, to take away all that mist. well that sure slapped me awake, it did. i would be lying if i said i swallowed the fact down without a sound. why? why do i have to be the one involved and knowing this? why do i have to be the one the apology is made to? i wish i could turn the regret away, i wish i could erase what was done. how i ache to believe it never happened. if it was me who made the mistake, would it be any better? no i dont think i'd be strong enough to live with it if it happened to me.

reputations to keep and too many consequences at stake. i've learnt myself that living a double-faced life sucks. to the core. that serving two masters and trying to convince yourself you're not doing so is like spitting in God's face. that being a good Christian and not coming from a messed up family certainly doesnt immunize you from making decisions that will mess up your life. but God is faithful even when we are unfaithful, and the best part is that He gives second chances. His forgiveness is ours for the taking, and boy am i glad for that.

these few months (since september) He's been opening my eyes to a LOT of things, most of which i'd rather i not know about, but i sense His burden for all the hurting that's going on. and what more appropriate a time to pull me out of that sheltered ignorance into the real world than when i'd finally healed and recovered myself. i told Him last night too that i dont want and dont need another hard painful lesson, because i've learnt it. so many things they are going through now i have gone through, crashing and burning badly along the way. but what's important is the finishing i know.

so if You want me to, give me strength to. if You want me to do Your will, give me wisdom to. if You want me to love, give me Your love, show me how much You can love, and then teach me to love like You.


He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call

oh dear i am feeling very lazy indeed. !!

camps were great.......... i dont dare to blog bout them in case i dont do them justice.
you can always read about them on other blogs i guess. :)

as we all probably know, some huge stuff happened during ypm camp. but i hope it blows over soon. and sorry if this offends anyone, but i hope people GROW UP. ugh.

aiya im too lazy to continue i shall blog hop. hyeh hyeh see you guys!